The Submariner Guy:
This is a Rolex. I just got my first profit sharing bonus and all my friends told me to buy it. It’s shiny. It’s a Rolex.
The Other Submariner Guy:
This is my ceramic supercase maxi-dial Rolex reference 114060 Submariner, which has no date, but should not be called the “No-Date”. It is made of Oystersteel, which is better than every other steel, and uses a superior Oysterlock clasp with a best-in-class Glidelock extension feature. Over the next 30 minutes I will explain to you why Rolex is the paragon of vertical integration and in-house manufacturing.
The Speedy Tuesday Guy:
My Speedmaster went to the Moon! It’s the most iconic watch of all time, and it went to the Moon. Everyone should have one in their collection, because it went to the Moon. Did I mention this watch went to the Moon?
The Calatrava Guy:
I am a man of impeccable taste and class. I am always better-dressed than you. My wife used to be extremely attractive but now she has wrinkles and yells at me all the time.
The Panerai Guy:
I used to be cool. How come I’m not cool anymore? Can someone please tell me I’m cool?
The Beaten-Up Datejust Guy:
My wife bought me this gift for our 10th anniversary. I think it’s a Rolex? Yeah, it says Rolex on the dial. I wear it in the shower, I think that’s okay, right? Service? Am I supposed to get this thing serviced?
The Vintage Heuer Guy:
I spend all my time on Watchuseek and TimeZone, and have written several thoroughly-researched articles on the history of racing chronographs. Here’s my extensive collection of vintage watches from brands that no longer exist, and by the way, let me tell you the entire lineage of the Valjoux 72 and every watch in which it was used.
The Vintage Daytona Guy:
My watch is extremely rare and costs more than my Ferrari, and you’ll have to trust me on that because it looks totally trashed and is virtually indistinguishable from the eight other variants of the exact same model I have in my climate-controlled high-security vault at home. Also, would you like to go to a John Mayer concert with me?
The Nautilus Guy:
Hold on while I Instagram my watch next to this random hot chick in front of a rooftop pool in Taipei.
The Grand Seiko Guy:
I appreciate fine finishing, technological innovation, and modern design above status and recognition. My watch is a marvel of accuracy, craftsmanship, and advanced engineering, and I don’t care if anyone else knows about it. Also, please love me.
The Hublot Guy:
I hate myself.
The Richard Mille Guy:
I hate myself but I have more money than God, so everyone else hates me too.
The Journe Guy:
I’m the ultimate watch collector. I have connections in the industry and had lunch with FP last week. I know more than you, and you know it.
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